It has been a while since I last wrote. It is hard to explain why and I have no true excuse other than life gets in the way and time moves too fast. I used to laugh when people would say “don’t blink!” You won’t see me laughing anymore at that statement you will only here me agreeing.
If truth be told, I have been in avoidance of the blog… Writing things down in black and white seems to concrete them somehow different than speaking them. I spent some time being a little angry at our Cardiologist, at God, and being a little angry at my lack of control about our situation. (Yep, I fully admit, I am a control freak) It makes me wonder if each time we get news that isn’t positive, if I will always be angry.
Our latest visit to the Cardiologist wasn’t exactly what we had hoped for. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t awful. It just wasn’t the sunshine and roses I wanted. The same “punched in the gut” feeling came rushing back out of no where leaving me to be angry at the world. I was also a little ticked at myself for being so selfish as I looked around at the kiddos that were probably much worse off than Everet and not remembering to be thankful for the positive things that our little family has.
It’s crazy the emotions that surround a question. A question that is generally asked to everyone that has a doctor appointment. The question of “do you think he has been feeling ok?” (The question being asked with squinted eyes and raised eyebrows). What I answer and what I REALLY want to answer are always two different things. I keep my calm and professionalism enough to say “well… he has been more tired and doesn’t truly seem himself at play, etc.” But what I want to say is “WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, he obviously had something show up on his echo, so spit it out already!” I have learned quickly that almost no question is asked by a specialist unless they already know the answer or have a pretty good idea what the answer will be. I call this “fishing” and warming you up for the bomb or bombs about to be dropped.
Sooooo we go through the formalities of where we started with diagnosis and his SVAS narrowing’s to where we are today and what we need to look for. AND THEN HERE IT COMES…. His voice becomes Charlie Brown’s teacher, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah and everything sounds a little echoed in my head. I quickly switch out of mom mode to business mode, because if I don’t the tears will start and that doesn’t do anyone any good. I nod my head politely, ask a few questions all the while praying my voice doesn’t crack or shake, then we shake hands, and proceed on our separate ways to wait until the next appointment. WAIT. Waiting is awful, the not know from day to day is awful. The next 6 months would not fall into the “time goes too fast” category, it would fall into the longest 6 months of my life thus far.
Time is such a funny thing, isn’t it? I hate it. It is always way too fast or way too slow.
Surely by now you have gathered his tests showed things a little worse and a new narrowing they weren’t worried about has now doubled in size and restricting blood flow. He stated although things were worse the blood flow still looked good and strong and he felt there was no real reason to be concerned….. yet.
I spent the next couple of weeks in zombie mode. Not really sleeping, not really eating, and enjoying a few too many cocktails. Until finally my husband said (well kind of yelled and he never yells at me) “what is wrong with you!?” Now…. that is a fun question to try and answer when I felt he should know what the heck is wrong with me and he should be feeling the same way! You know… misery loves company, right!? Maybe I was angry at him too for handling it so well because that was my job, to handle things well. Usually Craig is almost dismissive and tells me all the things he is supposed to say as any good husband would; like “it will be ok”, “we can handle it”, blah blah blah…. But this time I stopped him and told him I needed a little validation for the way I was feeling and he needed to allow me to feel it. He smiled at me with tears in his eyes and hugged me. Of course the water works started and after that I honestly felt better. Craig has this thing with me…. He assumes I am a rock and can handle anything. I’m nothing of the sort. I think I am a good actor. I do try and focus on the positive most days and hide my true feelings for the sake of all others. But that day, I just needed my husband to hug me and tell me he felt the same way.
So, maybe not being alone when in crazy mode is good. Maybe misery does love a little company from time to time. Maybe it’s just my coping mechanism. I don’t know. My heart still breaks a little more after each doctor visit, but I will still choose to never take for granted what I have and make the best of our time regardless of my moments of anger.
Regardless at the end of the day, I would still take a magic wand if any of you have one to spare. Who knows… maybe Everet will be fine. Maybe he will out live me. Kiddos are resilient.
Only TIME will tell… It is what it is my friends.
Painting Butterflies 
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