Tag: #mourning

Trust Your “Mom” sense

Dear Doctor,

Today I am sitting and reflecting over a story I heard.  A wonderful family lost their beautiful little boy.  Should it have happened?  No.  Should someone have listened to the mom when she called the nurse line or when she brought him in to the office?  YES! Because her “mom” sense was disregarded, it was too late for him.  It was too late for the emergency room docs, Life Line, or the Children’s hospital he never made it to.  His little body gave out…  Imagine yourself in the shoes of the family.  Imagine yourself in the shoes of the nurse on the nurse line.  Imagine yourself as the doc that disregarded his condition and passed it off as another virus that needed to run its course.  Can you imagine?  No, you can’t unless you have walked in their shoes.

So, guess what?  I am going to be “that mom”.  That mom that bugs the crap out of you when my child is sick with unexplained symptoms, with the slight fever that can turn to craziness in moments, and that mom that brings her kids in for the common cold because my one kid has asthma and the other is compromised from a heart condition.  Do you know why?  Because I am “THAT MOM”.  My children are my lifeline and are the biggest part of my very existence.  Because of the day we were disregarded about our son’s health and pushed to the side for almost a year when he had a life concerning heart condition. Because of the day we went to the emergency room and was disregarded by the physician as the “mom who cannot get her kid to stop crying.”  Yes, I heard you!  I heard you when you said to the nurse behind the curtain, “she is one of those moms” and then you sighed as a true sign that we weren’t worthy of your time.

What you don’t know because you didn’t care to listen and because you didn’t care to look in his chart, is that he was a sick little boy.  A little boy who was wearing a 30 day event/halter monitor to check for ischemic activity. Because he had been having symptoms mimicking a heart attack.  Remember when you disregarded all of those things and many more? Remember when you went to discharge us and hadn’t even examined him?  Remember when I questioned you and asked you why? Remember when you got angry and decided to put him through every test known to man EXCEPT for the ones he really needed.  EXCEPT for the ones I kept asking about and you disregarded my words. Why do you think I asked to be transferred to a children’s hospital?  Because I didn’t want to be the mom who ended up hating herself for not trusting her mom sense.  The mom that trusted the doctor when he said nothing was wrong.  Why?  Because I know my child better than anyone.  Because my “mom sense” was spot on and I knew you were wrong.

YOU are the reason children are in danger, not “THAT MOM”.  YOU.  We put our faith in your hands to care for our children.  Well….  no more.  Because if you said or did one thing correctly that night, you pegged me as “THAT MOM” who wasted your time.

So, thank you.  Thank you for giving me the sense and the strength to go over your head.  I am so thankful my child is still alive unlike the story above…

Any mom reading this…  I challenge you to become “THAT MOM”.  Why? Because she saves the lives of her children.

Sincerely,

THAT MOM

An Unlikely Friend

I know nothing for certain about my son’s health, but what I do know is that he will be loved like no other child and he will be given every opportunity to thrive, live, and be whomever he wants to be.  I’m already amazed at who he is and what he teaches me daily.

But this week…  this week….  UGH!   This week….  I am, I am doing it!  I am choosing to persevere and relish in the blessings before me.  But always, goodness always, somewhere in the deep dark crevices of my mind lies the sinking fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is always there.  Lurking and it lays in wait ready to pounce on our joy.  It will pounce because we have let our guard down.

Letting that lurking fear immediately makes me feel guilt due in part to a conversation had today with a peer.  On any given day we exchange niceties and speak to each other about our world at work and how if someone would just listen to our opinions the world would be a better place.  Today…  today was different.  We of course exchanged our normal words but then, the conversation morphed to a more personal level.  It went from insurance craziness to him opening the door and asking the question, “what exactly is the heart condition your son has and is he ok?”

I had promised myself I would never sugar coat the answer to that question or skirt it.  I would face it head on.  I would face it just as I’ve had to face my worse fears over the past year.

I held it together long enough for the “cliff notes” version while hitting the highlights.  As he teared up, he confided in me about his own story.  I quickly felt relieved.  On one hand I hate that someone else has been in pain over their child and in a lot of ways seeing that he still carries that pain especially over the unknown.  But on the other hand it was relief to not be alone  and to know that fear is ok.

This new unlikely friend of mine experienced the unthinkable, he experienced the loss of his child.  I still have mine…

By the time our conversation had ended I was reminded to not fear and to stay faithful.  I was reminded to cherish every moment.  I was reminded that you never know what Hell someone else has walked through, but if your experiences and even your pain can help one other person then you are walking the path correctly that was chosen for you.

I was reminded that every day is a gift and to never, NEVER, take one moment for granted…

 

Mourning Our Child

My mind was in overdrive and reading anything and everything I could get my hands on. Everyone, I mean everyone, was offering their opinion…  All I wanted to do was find a magic wand and lock myself in a dark room with a nice bottle of red wine. If that didn’t work I was ready to pack the family up and live off the grid!

From family members offering to pray to “restore his genes” to people talking even crazier about replacing his genes, I had enough. Then I read the words “we had to learn to mourn the child we thought we were going to have and accept the one we do have.”  Well, those words pissed me off too…  excuse my language but I thought to myself, who cannot accept their child and why would you have to “mourn” them?

I thought back to that day in the car on the way home from the hospital.  The day when the doc confirmed our son had something going on and told us what he thought it may be. I remember feeling almost relieved, almost happy…  I wasn’t sad or mourning who I thought my son was or trying to accept him because of a diagnosis, I’ve already accepted him.  I accepted him the day I learned I was pregnant with him and it was more concrete on the first day I laid eyes on him.

That day in the car I chose to celebrate him. I chose to celebrate all that he is. I chose to not accept his heart condition because we would work to keep him healthy and make every effort to give him every chance. I was not in mourning for any expectation I thought I had for my son and I never would be. I knew I loved him unconditionally and so did my husband.

Im lucky…  most would say blessed. There will be no mourning in our house only a celebration of life. We choose not to waste precious time or moments dwelling on perfection.  Perfection is a state of mind or it doesn’t exist.

Life is seriously too short.